my life changed forever when i found out the word “slang” was actually slang for “shortened language”
so slang is slang for slang
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I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
Ten Honest Thoughts On Being Loved By A Skinny Boy, Rachel Wiley
(I have read this before, but for some reason this is the first time it has made me suddenly burst into tears. It was #8 that killed me.)
Fun shark attack facts:
- In 1996, toilets injured 43,000 Americans a year. Sharks injured 13.
- In 1996, 2,600 Americans were injured by room fresheners. Sharks injured 13.
- In 1996, buckets and pails injured almost 11,000 Americans. Sharks injured 13.
- For every human killed by a shark, humans kill approximately two million sharks.
- Humans are assholes.
- Sharks are not assholes.
- Apparently everyone in 1996 lived in a real-life infomercial.
mm girl youre so wet;) wait is that fucking pee you did not just pee yourself
I WAS TRYING TO DO A TRICK ON MY FRIEND DARRELL BUT THEN I ENDED UP NEARLY CRYING I FEEL SO SHITTY LOOK HOW NICE HE IS.
this is so sad omg
keep him keep your friend forever
If you like this list of life hacks, follow ListOfLifeHacks for more like it!
I couldn’t have clicked the motherfucking follow button faster after I saw the pinata cookies with mini m&m’s inside holy shit let me tell you
this dudebro in my english class said that ophelia deserved to die because “she led hamlet on” and my teacher threw her book against the wall
your teacher’s aim sucks
In preschool when I was 5, the boys bathroom had to get a ceiling repair so everyone had to use the girls bathroom and when I was in there some kid named Jimmy walked in.
And that was the first time I saw a penis
1 universe, 9 planets, 7 seas, 7 continents, 809 islands, 204 countries, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting u
THERE ARE 8 PLANETS, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE.
VIVA LA PLUTO FUCK YOU
I’m pretty sure “Viva la Pluto fuck you” is the best sentence I’ve heard all week.
Hand jobs and blow jobs are called jobs because they’re tedious and dicks are gross. Going down on a girl is called eating out because it’s a privilege.
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